The Case of the Missing Files: How a Nigerian Man Tried to Save the Americans”
It started on a slow Tuesday when international news broke that some important American files had gone missing again. The headlines were loud, the internet was on fire, and one Nigerian man, Baba Ojo, sitting at his roadside suya joint in Lagos, couldn’t mind his business.
“Ah! These Americans don’t know strategy,” he muttered, flipping meat on the grill like he was turning pages of classified documents. “If na Naija, by now that file no go even exist!”
His apprentice, Sodiq, looked up. “Baba, what will happen to the file?”
Baba Ojo leaned back like a man revealing ancient wisdom.
“My son, there are three official ways evidence disappears in Nigeria:
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Fire outbreak.
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Snake from nowhere.
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Monkey with strong sense of national service.”
He pointed with his stick of suya. “If I were advising them, I’d just tell them to borrow one of our special task force animals. The Python from JAMB office — that one has eaten billions, it can easily digest a few files. Or the Federal Monkey, the one that disappeared with 70 million — that animal has experience in offshore operations.”
Sodiq was already laughing. “So Baba, you want to export our corruption zoo?”
“Of course!” Baba said. “We have the best in Africa. Our animals have PhDs in Evidence Management and Post-Document Disposal.”
He grabbed his Nokia phone and started typing a “proposal letter” to the U.S. government:
Dear Sirs,
I am Baba Ojo from Lagos. I have a humble suggestion for your file wahala.
In Nigeria, we use trained reptiles and primates for data control and evidence neutralization.
If you are interested, I can ship one to Washington in 48 hours. Payment in dollars preferred.
Yours sincerely,
Baba Ojo (Chairman, Association of Animal Evidence Experts)
When Sodiq asked what would happen if the Americans didn’t reply, Baba smiled.
“My brother, whether they reply or not, by tomorrow one goat somewhere will already be trending on Twitter for swallowing a laptop.”
By nightfall, Baba’s message went viral. CNN called it “The Lagos Solution.”
BBC titled it “When Africa Offers Consultancy in Crisis Management.”
And Nigerians on X (formerly Twitter) started a new hashtag:
#SendThePython.
A week later, someone joked that a mysterious cargo marked “Wildlife Aid – Handle with Care” had arrived in New York.
Baba Ojo smiled, sipped his malt, and whispered, “Mission accomplished. Na experience money cannot buy.”
Moral of the story:
When there’s scandal, Nigerians always have advice — even for superpowers.
And in this life, no matter the continent, once evidence starts disappearing… just know somebody somewhere has called a snake.
